Such Fab, Much Ring, Many Parody, Very Hobbit Wow
by Thranduil's Party Moose VIII
Summary: One minute Frodo was the only sane thing in the Shire, the next he's on a quest to save Middle-Earth... While being constantly harrased by Tumblr In which Bilbo is a changed Hobbit, Merry and Pippin do confusing things, Gandalf the pink just isn't swaggy enough, Aragorn is a Youtuber, Boromir lives among the hipsters and all round randomness. (CRACK and ooc-ness)
1. Of overused memes

**Once upon a time, I used to write parody fics on here and they were HELLA weird (virtual cookies for you if you read them XD) so, now I'm more mature but more obsessed with sugar I'm gonna try this again. If I fail, then lemme know, if I succeed then also lemme know. If I did write LotR, it would be something like- 'I married Legolas and my friend married his clone with Chris Hemsworth's body (you know who you are). The End' Buuut that would be boring and a hoard of fangirls would have ripped off my face by now, so this is written by me if I were hyper. But the titles on this website are only yea long so 'The Lord of the Rings if I wrote it while on sugar' is way too long, anyways, I present to you...**

Mental, or on sugar? Part 1- Of overused meme's, gingers, awesome hobbit parties and Thilbo

It had been about 60 years since 13 hobos, Magneto and Martin Freeman had tried to kill the dragon Smorg.. wait, no that's wrong, let me try again, Smo-ag, nope that's wrong too... Smig? Smog? Spock, wait, no, wrong fandom... Smag? *Sigh* Heck with it, let me try this again...

It had been about 60 years since 13 hobos, Magneto and an abnormally short person had tried to kill a dragon who may be somewhat related to Charizard, and the whole of the Shire was celebrating said short person's 111th birthday. (Who henceforth for simplicity's sake shall be called Bilbo, because that's his name.)

Everyone was hella drunk, like, there were rumors a certain Elven King had planned it all, Bilbo terrorized Hobbit-children in a tent with stories about trolls and stuff, there was a bonfire where everyone burnt their Justin Beiber posters from when he wasn't half-bad and Gandalf was doing the gangnam style, it was cool, though, because Gandalf was there. It was one hell of a party.

Frodo sat down next to his friend/gardener/other, Sam, who he totally didn't have a crush on, honestly. Sam was staring creepily at Rosie Cotton, a blonde lass with an obsession with cotton buds. "I think I should go and dance with her..." He said half to himself and half to Frodo before getting up and making his way up to Rosie. Frodo shut his eyes, as several shrieks were heard.

"EWWWWWWW GET AWAY FROM ME YOU GINGER!" Frodo cringed, he'd had enough, like, literally, why was everyone so racist to gingers?

The authoress chewed a whole in her headphone wire cover, found a dead rat under her bed and went to London before procrastinating and going back to this weird fic.

Then, Peter Jackson thought "I need to put some funny characters that get in the way and cause trouble in this trilogy... Oooh, I know, let's make Pippin and Merry crack addicts." Yeah, that's what he thought.. 100% true.

So, enter Pippin and Merry.  
They, for some reason, thought it'd be a great idea to set off the biggest of Gandalf's fireworks in a tent 'cause that makes... Totally... Yeah. I'm drowning in sarcasm here, guys. "Merry?" Pippin said, confuzzled.

"Yeah, what?" Merry replied, a bit drunk.

"Why the hell are we doing this?"

"Bec-" Before Merry could reply, the firework set off. "Aw helll naw." Merry was suddenly urban American because #sweg.

Somewhere else, Bilbo had gotten bored with terrorizing Hobbit minors, and went over to talk to Frodo. "FRODO?!"

Frodo sighed, looking up from his iPhone 37382264734793704, "yes, my favorite, kind uncle?"

"It's your birthday, thus you gotta give me stuff!" Bilbo said.

"Yeah, but it's my birthday too, so you gotta give ME something as well!" Frodo sassed (kind of) back. Bilbo thought about this for a few moments, not quite sure what this escalated to. Frodo was also confuzzled. The horn from Inception could be heard from a distance. It was evident who set it off.

"STFU FATTY, NO ONE LIKES YOU!" Said unfortunate hobbit was then dragged away from the party of epicness by several Victoria Secret Angels. Yeah, this party was so awesome, Victoria Secret angels were the bodyguards...

"Uncle, err... There's kind of a dragon." Frodo snapped Bilbo out of his fit of evil laughter, he'd done the same to the Sackville Bagginses the night before, the stupefaction of it all will have them cerebral for the next fortnight .

"ASDFGHJKL What?!" Bilbo's nipples exploded.

* * *

After some tear-jerking surgery where Bilbo's nipples were healed and his friend went blind, (for more insight on this, watch The Fault In Our Stars, okay?) Gandalf payed Bilbo to do a speech, because Tolkien had this epic plan:

"SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEEECH SPEEEEEEECH SPIIIIIIIIIIIICHHHHHHDWUIDEGWILR78YE3T!" Everyone screamed at Bilbo. Frodo's face turned into the forever alone meme face.

"Yeah, okay, I know, I'm awesome." Bilbo was being a cocky lil' (censored just in case the authoress' fathers decides to read this). "First of all, Gandalf, why on earth did you make me do you're silly lil' quest? I mean, bruh, now everyone thinks I want to marry a majestic dwarf. Newp... I don't.. Honestly." Bilbo's nose grew about 455473983 feet long and his nipples exploded again. He pretended nothing had happened and scrolled through his speech card's 83% of them were too inappropriate, and Arabella Brandybuck had only just forgiven him for the smoothie incident.  
"Okay, I got this. You're all great and stuff, and my life is just a bit boring now.. Without Him... BFREGGFGF IT'S NOT THORIN, OKAY! Anyways, you're annoying and I hate you all byeee!"

Bilbo then disappeared, Frodo's face turned thrice as innocent, Gandalf's eyebrows bristled and the authoress ended the chapter.

**A/N: I have no idea what just happened... I really don't. But I hope you laughed! Oh, and props to my friend Bronwyn who gave me some inspiration on this fic. And virtual cookies to Lindir's Eyes for writing the most amazing The Hobbit and LotR parody in the world (check her out 'kay ^-^).  
**

**If you review you get... Frodo's iPhone 37382264734793704 :)**


	2. Bilbo is sued for copyright

**Hi guys, and welcome to another chapter of this... Story? Can you even call it that? Idek ^- x -^ Well, I got 13 views last time I checked which is great as a start! Also, I was wondering if anyone has an idea for a new title, because I really have no idea, 'Mental? Or just on sugar' I am NOT happy with, so if you have any suggestions feel free to PM them to me or put it in a review. ^-^. Aaaanyways, I hope you laugh/ find this chapter somewhat amusing. :) **

"Roflol!" Bilbo said as he entered Bag End. He didn't actually roflol, because he's lazy... So is everyone nowadays, to be honest. He removed the ring from his finger and put his iPod on shuffle.

"Ayyyyyyy!" Gandalf could be heard drunkedly screaming from the pantry. Still laughing to himself, Bilbo rushed in to find the bright pink wizard sprawled over several shelves, plates, knives, forks, pens, bushes, alligators, gloves, hospitals, asparaguses, Kim Kardashian's ass and Justin Beiber's ego. The shock of this made Bilbo's nipples explode again, but, what's new?

"What happened?"

"My portal gun took me to the wrong place, but, there's worse places, I guess." Gandalf the Pink explained, carelessly brushing Kim Kardashian off of his face, she landed on the front cover of _Vogue _magazine. From then on, they were the laughing stock of the industry. "Anyway, I was just going to say," Gandalf cleared his throat, and began to read from a script: "I suppose you think that was funny."

"Bruh, it was..." Bilbo said.

"O.0" Gandalf somehow said. "Yh, but, it's a ring of power. It's dangerous... And stuff."

"Pfft, I don't care."

"B-but..." Gandalf sputtered.

"Gandalf, stop going on about my ring... It's mine okay... It's my precioussss."

The authoress then regretted her pen name.

Gandalf looked at Bilbo weirdly, Gollum impersonations were so 2004.

"Gawd, gurl, for Thorin's boyfriend I'd think you'd have a bit more class." Gandalf sassed, not quite sure where the authoress was going with his character.

Bilbo got so angry his nipples exploded again and he basically just rage quitted life. "FBREIULGFWGT! FFSFORTHELASTTIMEIDONOTLIKETHORINIMAOYOUREDATINGBARDSOSTFUABOUTTHATALREADY!" Kudos to you if you can read that, by the way.

"BILBO BAGGINS!" The room suddenly was filled with starbucks mascots and squirrels. "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A MINDLESS FANGIRL! A-and I WAS SO NOT DATING BARD...although he did have a nice jawline." The last part of this was a lot less intimidating then intended. Bilbo was busy packing his stuff.

"I'm leaving for Rivendell to clear my name, I've got too many credit cards that are in debt." If you hadn't already noticed, The Quest for Erebor had changed him, alot. Ever since He had died in his arms he'd never felt the s- "CFBHUGILOVE SHUT UP!"

"Who are you talking to?" Gandalf asked. "Oh, and what about the ring?" The wizard's pink beard glowed brighter in questionism.

"Yeah sure, why not? Frodo can have that too." Bilbo then tossed the ring on the ground. "Byeeeee!" Bilbo then left, singing something about last goodbyes. Billy Boyd then sued him for copyright.

* * *

Several hours later, Frodo walked into Bag End after having some hetrosexual drinking with Sam. Gandalf was smoking and mumbling something about 'in-debt credit cards' and 'copyright'. "He's gone, isn't he? I knew he missed Him too much."

"#Thilbo4lyfe, am I right?" Gandalf said, standing up and drunkedly stumbling around, eventually taking the ring from Frodo and putting it in an envelope, then handing it back to him.

"...That was pointless." Frodo muttered as he watched Gandalf get ready to go.

"Meh, I'm drunk out of my mind, so I'll forget it yesterday."

"Bluntly put. And where are you going?"

"Hangin' in Gondors, there's this huge-ass library, it's probably got some copyright papers. Seeing as a agreed to be Bilbo's lawyer 5 minutes ago I have to prove he was wrongfully sued..."

Frodo opened his mouth to say something.

"Don't tell anyone about Bilbo's current crisis. Keep it secret, keep it safe."

Frodo's eyes turned a bright blue, that's how confused he was.

"Okay, whatever, I'll be about 17 years, don't marry Sam and don't have a party without me." Gandalf used his portal gun to teleport off... Somewhere, leaving Frodo a bit confused. Why, oh why, did nothing make sense?

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**Don't forget to review, favourite and follow :D Oh, and remember to suggest a title for this fic if you have any plans**


	3. Musselshocked

**Ayyy everyone. Welcome back! How ya all doin'? I'm good, but you probably don't care. Thanks to Lindir's Gaze and Dragon Potato for reviewing. And, I still haven't got a parody name I 100% with, so don't forget to give me some ideas if you have some. And, I just noticed how I skipped a part from the last chapter, so I've changed, like, a word so now it's not been skipped... Hmm yes... I haven't watched LotR in six months, I've been busy okay?! It's not my fault :( Okaayyy, enjoy :) **

**Discaimer (I decided to do one this time): I do not own The Hobbit, or LotR, or PewDiePie, or Benedict Cumberbatch (I wish, though :P), I also do not own the song Shots by LMFAO, neither to I own The Hobbit, An Unexpected Parody, which is mentioned here, it wasn't on purpose, I was asked to out a Lindir Cameo, and it got out of hand... Anyway, Lindir's Gaze owns it, and it's awesome, so check it out. I'll... Link it after this. Hmm... I really should have asked Lindir's Eyes first.. But yeah. Plox don't sue me, gurl. Here's the link- s/9505053/1/The-Hobbit-An-Unexpected-Parody  
**

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Gandalf rode his UniWyvernPegausPewdiepieBenedictCumberbachBillNyeLaxativesSaltAndVinegarCorn into Minas Tirith and looked at books.. and.. stuff... To be honest, it was really boring, and pointless since Steve Jobs now lives in Middle-Earth and re-created iPhones and other useless, over-priced products. So, Gandalf just asked Siri. "Siri, Google search: Magical bling that turns people invisible and stuff." #SiriOverCortana4everz

Up popped Wikipedia and Gandalf freaked and went back over to the Shire.

*Pink, homo wizard intensifies.*

* * *

Meanwhile, Frodo was done doing some more heterosexual drinking Sam and drunkenly staggered back to Bag End, avoiding the numerous amount of various objects being thrown at him, since he was friends with Sam and all.

Anyway, ginger-bullying aside, Frodo was stoned as hell... And the sexual tension had been high, plus Frodo was now 57, heh oldie, and Frodo was still confused on whether this LotR parody was book-verse or film-verse, or whether it was just a jumbled mess of both. The author cringed at how she had just mentioned a slip-up on her own fanfiction in a dyer attempt to be funny.

There was a cliche creepiness about the air, Peter Jackson had been co-working with M. Night Shyamalan, it seems.

"Y'know, if you really want to give viewers jump scares, you should maybe try and STOP having a glow in the dark beard, Gandalf." Frodo said, turning around to meet said fabuluz wizard.

Gandalf burst into tears, and, as we all know, wizard tears turn into jellybeans.

"OMG You listen to my songs?!" Lindir, who for some reason was in the Shire, asked/screamed.

"Why are you even here? Breaking the fourth wall is just... Ugh." Frodo said, still maintaining his I-am-the-only-sane-person-here character.. Sort of...

"Meh, reviewer requests... Promises of BFFUDDUA-ness, the usual." Lindir explained with a shrug, he had massive, kawaii anime eyes, because reviewer requests.

"BFFUDDUA?" Gandalf asked.

"The authoress doesn't own this BFFUDDUA thing, so all will be explained in the afterlife, I guess..." Lindir then disappeared in a puff of egotistical dwarves and Shots, until his eyes were the only thing visible.

Gandalf was busy scanning through the authoresses law papers, checking if a pre-teen weirdo can possibly be sued by someone halfway across the world from her. "Welp, you're officially screwed," he told the authoress, pink beard becoming as sugoi as Steve Buscemi. The authoress wondered how she could admit to her father that she just got sued... Roaring aristocrats, perhaps?

She also remembered there was a storyline to this.

"What on Arda just happened?" Frodo asked, frozen in position. He noticed how he was holding the envelope with Bilbo's ring in his hand.

"Ayy, you kept your bling." Gandalf said, somehow drunk already. He grabbed the ring from Frodo and threw it into the fireplace, laughing like Denethor, which is way ahead of the storyline.

"Gandalf," Frodo said to the pink wizard patronizingly, "if you go all pyromaniac on me, I'll tell everyone you're a broney."

Gandalf turned bright blue, Smurf equality, peoplez.

"Well, yeah, I'm not a broney though, so I don't care... And, Frobro, here's your ring back."

"OMGwHATiSwRONGwITHyOUiT'SgONNAbEhOT... Oh, don't worry, it's cold... Heh."

"Is there any writing on it?"

"No. Yes."

"As I suspected, this is the One Ring."

"To be honest, I don't care, unless it actually matters, I'll be in the corner crying."

"Yeah, whatever Frobro,"

"Don't call me that."

After ten minutes, Gandalf got sick of Frodo's innocent relent of the world, so decided to tell him about stuff.

"There's something hella serious goin' on, tbh."

"o.0," Frodo somehow said, "tell me."

"First there has to be an tidy transition."

Said tidy transition then happened.

"So, just to recap, the Ring was created by Sauron, blah blah blah, battle, blah blah, King, blah blah Gollum, blah blah, Bilbo." Frodo was being mean... :(

"Basically..."

"Y'know, I really don't care, I'm very internationally unaware of anyone, nor do I care about anywhere apart from the Shire, hobbits are basically the Middle-Earth version of Americans." Is that okay to put?

"OMG Gollum just tweeted to Sauron Shire! Baggins!... I guess that cyber bullying really got to him." Gandalf said, scrolling through Twitter.

"Okay, ILLgOtOrIVENDELLiFyOUwANT." Frodo ran across Bag End at 3600000000000000000000000000 mph, packing various things. Apples, clothes, coloured contacts, innocent spray, the usual.

"...That's not exactly what I meant but okay..." Gandalf said, standing there in pink awkwardness.

Suddenly, there was a rustle outside the window. At first they thought it was Lindir, but he had just Instagramed a picture of himself in Elrond's heterosexual embrace, so it couldn't have been him. Gandalf jumped 63 feet in the air, made a massive hole in the roof and grabbed the thing that made the rustling sound.

It was Sam.

"OMG, I JUST TOUCHED IT, I'VE CAUGHT ITS DISEASE, I DON'T WANT TO BE GINGER!" Gandalf screamed, holding his hand 3675674 meters away from him.

Sam kind of just lay there on the table, looking confused, until Frodo helped him up. "Are you okay, Sam?" Frodo asked. Sam nodded before the two hobbits engaged in an erotic stare, slowly inching themselves towards one another... Until Gandalf ruined the mood.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH HAIR DYE I AM GOING TO HAVE TO USE TO MAKE MY HAIR PINK AGAIN?! AS YOUR PUNISHMENT YOU WILL BE FRODO'S COMPANION!" Gandalf screeched at Sam, convinced that his hair will turn ginger now.

* * *

"Actually, I don't mind being with Mr Frodo." Sam said, as he pulled Ebony Dark'ness Raven Way the pony along.. Although the goffik vampire Mary-Sure would have been worse.

"Okay, whatever, I'm going to go hang with Saruman, maybe he has some pink hair-dye... And maybe his swaggy influence will rub off on me." Gandalf then rode away.

Enter an epic, action filled walking montage here, because the authoress is lazy... And some cute Sam/Frodo action, obviously.

Then the duo came up to this random hay field, "this is it." Sam said

"The furthest away from home you've ever been?" Frodo guessed.

"Omg, how did you know?" Sam asked, musselshocked, get it? It's like shellshocked just you make an orange.

"I was there when you came here, I'm the only friend you've ever had, Sam, and Old Gaffer wouldn't let you go out on your own, too many ginger-racists.

"Oh yeah." Frodo melted from how cute Sam was.

* * *

**SAM/FRODO FOR LIFE, am I right?! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please fave, follow and review. :) 'Kay, bye everyone, reviewers get an elf of their choice! **


	4. Do you even fight bruh?

**Yes, I changed my Penname, do you blame me? Welp, it's another chapter! ^-^ Thanks to all five people who reviewed this, which is over twice as many as last time XD While writing the document name of this chapter, I realized the short for this fic is M.O.J.O.S, which is awesome XD. Anyway, enjoy this new chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I own nought! Everything and everyone goes to their rightful souls/creators. Eventhough I wish I did own something... :(**

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For some reason, Farmer Maggot decided to grow his wheat hay stuff about 50 times taller than him, which was stupid.

A; How was he supposed to cut it?

And B: Why emphasis you're a tiny hobbit who can't do anything? Do you have a successful Vlog? Are you cover-elf? Are you unsuccessfully swaggy? Are you successfully swaggy? Are you ginger and everyone hates you? Are you a teenager who can't write and thinks she is absolutely hilarious, but really isn't? Do you even fight brah? Gawd, dude, hobbits are rubbish.

The authoress was then stoned to death by every single hobbit ever, Martin Freeman, (who also made her vote for Labour, idk why I used that joke, because only English people will understand.) a large number of Buzzfeed staff, Benedict Cumberbatch and PewDiePie.

The authoress apologizes for writing jokes (?) that only a limited amount of people will understand... And for talking in 3rd person.

Anyways, Sam was walking on a stupidly placed path. He suddenly freaked out,

"mr Frodo?!" Sam asked, nearly eating Stephenie Meyer.

The authoress questions what she just typed, and whether it was holy or not.

"What's wrong, Sam?" It seemed Frodo was 30cm away from the ginger, fat, Somerset-ish (?) hobbit.

"It's just something Gandalf said 'don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee... Or I'll make you watch Twilight if he ever gets hurt.'"

"... For your sake, Sam, I think I'll stay right by your side." Frodo said, his eyes melting when he thought about said awful movie.

The two hobbits then engaged in sexy staring, once again edging towards each other as time seemed to stop completely...Until Merry and Pippin burst through the wheat corn things, supposedly to join the **very hetrosexual** action... *Ahem*

The authoress decided to shut up

"Ayyyyyy it's Frodo." Pippin said, somehow stuffing Poland in his mouth, eventhough his hands were full with vegetables. Said blue-eyed hobbit was underneath Merry who was underneath Sam and the authoress just died laughing because this sounds so wrong.

"Pippin?" Merry asked, glitching up from underneath Sam, helping up Frodo, and brushing him off... Just a friendly gesture... Honest. When he noticed Sam, he kicked him hard, for good luck.

"Yeah?" Pippin replied, somehow speaking, eventhough he was still chewing on Poland.

"...What are we doing?"

"I have no idea..." *Inception horn noise.*

"Okay, whatever." Frodo interupted, destroying Christopher Nolan's very worth. He then turned to Merry, "why are you even here?"

Sam, on the other hand, used his eyes and grew a braincell, "you've been stealing from Farmer Maggot's crop, haven't you?!"

"Yeah, so?" Pippin growled, STILL chewing on Poland. "Farmer Maggot doesn't even care, too busy switchiing his family's deodrant for cream cheese..." He sniffed Martin Freeman style

"Wtaf?" All four (yes, even Pippin) hobbits said.

"YOU CAN CLAIM COMPENSATION FROM YOUR CAR ACCIDENT FIVE YEARS AGO." A voice shouted through the wheat corn things.

"Aw hell naw..."

"It can't be!"

"A lying compensation company! Fly you fools!"

"I WILL NOT LICK THE TV FOR A MONKEY! A-actually... Yes, I will." The quartet bolted, but for some reason Farmer Maggot planted his wheat corn things on the edge of a cliff... I guess because he's a dilly.. Idk

They fell of a cliff, all on top of eachothe- ASDFGHJKL SHUT UP!

"Ha! You just got tangoed!" Farmer Maggot called from the top of the cliff. He was then smothered with spam automated phone calls about PPI and such-like.

"Welp, now what do we do?" Sam asked.

"OMG mushroomzzzzzzzzz!" Pippin squealed, they all (excluding Frodo) immediately got high on said mushrooms.

Frodo, on the other hand, was wandering around... Because... Why not, I guess... "I think we should get off the road, it's what Gandalf said."

No one listened to him, they were all wayyy too high. "ASDFGNTRHRSIUAKARKBHCAUS GET OFF THE ROAD!" Frodo screamed so loud Tom Bombadil heard him and decided to make an appearance... maybe.

They hid under a tree, Merry was somehow licking his elbow, eventhough Tumblr said it was impossible, Pippin was still stoned and Sam was trying to dye his hair black while playing cards with his belly button. No one cares what Frodo was doing.

The hobbits heard the sound of hooves as Zayn from One Direction approached by horseback, his face hidden by a black cloak, but you could tell it was him by the pool of hair gel forming around his horse. He was sniffing the air... For some reason... Idk.

Our brave quartet of Oompa Loompa rejects managed to keep quite, eventhough Pippin doesn't count because he was still high af and STILL eating Poland, but whatever.

Finally, Zayn Malik left, supposedly to become a 'normal 22-year-old' or worship satan or something.

"We should probably run..."

"What is Zayn doing in Middle-Earth? Please don't say we'll have to deal with the world's worst band too!"

"I swear I killed a 1D... Or maybe that was a dream... Idk."

"LET'S GO GET EATEN BY TREES!" Pippin announced.

"Good idea Pip!" So, that's what they did, 'cause yay! bookverse and yay! Tom Bombadil!

"Go fish." Sam said to his bellybutton, Merry then gave him another good-luck kick.

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**Saruman is introduced next chapter! I AM looking forward to this!  
So, what'd you think of this chapter? Let me know in a review XD Reviewers get a Dwarf of their choice.  
Also, why not have a quiz question to answer? Out of Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo, who do you think said each of these?  
**

**"Aw hell naw..."**

**"It can't be!"**

**"A lying compensation company! Fly you fools!"**

**"I WILL NOT LICK THE TV FOR A MONKEY! A-actually... Yes, I will."**

**Just a fun thing to think about, I guess XD. Okay, see you next chapter, byeee**


	5. Saruman the Rainbow

**Hello all, welcome to another chapter XD Seeing as the Easter holidays are almost over I wanted to write as many updates as possible, since I won't get much time when school starts. Anyways, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing, nothing's changed, so you can't sue me, 'kay?**

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'Smoke rises from the Mountain of Doom, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Pink rides to Isengard to seek my swag. For that is why you have come is it not? My young apprentice." Saruman's epic voice-over rivaled perhaps even Morgan Freeman's. Some kind of gay club music was pounding in the background and everything.

"Saruman the rainbow." Gandalf's beard glowed brighter, but somehow became razzmatazz, which theoretically makes no sense.

Y'know that tidy transition from chapter 3? Well it happened again.

"So, basically what you're saying, is that Kim Kardashians' pregnant again. Are you sure of this?" Saruman asked as the two wizards partied around Orthanc.

"Beyond any doubt... Not that I watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians... Or anything.. Heh."

"The Only Way is Essex, Geordie Shore, the American versions that ITV thought 'yeah, people in England are stupid enough to like that' do not amuse me any longer. You know, Gandalf, there's this guy called 'Count Dooku', he's rather handsome, and I've been interested in his doing of late." A bunny hopped across the scene, but died of a thunderclap headache due to Saruman's beard and SenpaiDidn'tNoticeMe-itus.

...Then Peter Jackson came back from that Pie-Eating Competition in Wellington and ruined the eerie yet somewhat welcoming atmosphere.

"Oh yeah," Gandalf aforementionedededededededededed, "I found the One Ring."

"So, the ring of Power has been found, are you sure Gandalf? Because I saw your tweets last Tuesday, and you might have been snorting something, I don't know." Saruman's vibe was not as swaggy as usual, Gandalf knew something was up.

"Without a doubt, The Ring's been in the Shire for, like, yonks, under my nose... Although my nose is very big, but that's not the point."

"Gandalf," Saruman sipped his Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice, "I would tell you yonks is an un-swaggy word, but it'd be useless. Your swag is non-existant."

Gandalf ego deteriorated as quickly as Keith Richards' youth.

"Yeah, well we still have time if we act quickly!"

Saruman finished his Double Ristretto Venti etc.

"In what sense? To get you swaggy, confirm that Kim Kardashian's baby exists or to defeat Sauron?"

"None but all of the above." Gandalf bumped into Orthanc.

"TIME? What TIME do you think we have?" Saruman decided to ignore the last 3 lines of this fic. Rude

Both wizards went to KFC, the Viper Room, 65897 Strip Clubs, Starbucks, Princess Poppy's Fun Fun Land and back to Orthanc before continuing their conversation.

Gandalf was as drunk as a calculator.

"Sauron has not yet gained his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form but his spirit has lost none of it's swag. Concealed within his crib, the Lord of Mordor sees all. His gaze pierced ego, fabuluz, kawaii, eyeliner and fleshhshshshhshdgyfrgfehhsshhshddshhshs. Upi lmpe pg ejsy o darsl. S htrsy rur, zofzrdd, etsyjrf om gzsqe." If you were wondering, the absinthe (also known as 'I HATE REALITY') Saruman had at the Viper Room had finally gotten to his head

"The eye of Justin Bieber..."

"...Close enough. But soon, he'll assemble an army great enough to #rek Middle-Earth. He's a ratchet, right?" Saruman didn't actually say this, but I translated it for you, because I'm nice.

"How exactly do you know this?"

"I've seen it with my hip device."

Saruman and Gandalf went into this large room, it was rainbow coloured, and made of marble. In the middle of the room was a pillar with a DarkSlateBlueKhakiBurlyCadet clothe on top.

"The facetime app is a dangerous tool, Saruman!" Gandalf commented.

"Why? Why should we fear to use it?"

Saruman took of the cloth to reveal a HP Tablet with the facetime app open on it.

"They're not always to be accounted for, the lost tablets; you don't know who could add you as a friend. It could be Amanda Bynes or... Naomi Campbell" Both wizards shuddered at the thought. Gandalf covered the tablet back over, and as he touched the screen, he saw a fiery vagina flash in his vision.

"The hour is later than you think, Sauron's forces are already raving," Saruman sat down on his pimpin' throne. "_the nine _have left Minas Morgul they crossed the river Odrm on Midsummer's eve, disguised as rubbish boy-band members on a horse in black... I am working on the name, yes."

"ASDFGHJKL WAIT! SO THEY'VE REACHED THE SHIRE!" Gandalf screamed. "NUUHHHHHHHH!"

"They will find the Ring, and kill the one who carries it."

At that, Gandalf sobered up Sanic fast.

"Frodo!...Sam will be heart-broken"

Gandalf turned to leave but Saruman used his awesome wizzy skillz to close all the doors.

"FFS Saruman!" Cried Hawkeye from afar.

"Bruh!" Saruman said. "grow a braincell! You seriously think a hobbit can challenge Sauron? Pfff, you really are snorting something. Again frickin' Mordor, we can't win! We must join him, Gandalf. It'd be really swaggy and awesome."

Gandalf was silent for a moment.

"Tell me, 'friend' are you sure I'm the one snorting something?" Dat ice cold shade, though.

That's when the fight scene from Up began.

Y'know, two old guys fighting with their staffs/walking sticks?

Yeah, well anyway that happened. It was less universal, more parental guidance, since there was blood and stuff

I mean, Up has a bit of blood-

The authoress decided to shut up.

In the end, Saruman got Gandalf's staff because he's, like Level 20 and Saruman's level 35. Gandalf was break dancing like a boss.

"I gave you the chance, my homie." Saruman said. "Willingly, respectfully, you damaged our friendship bro! You've selected the way of pain!"

Gandalf went 648323091209128467565982902 feet in the air, screaming about fabulous the whole way, 'cause that's how he roles!

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**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'm not so proud of it myself but let me know whether you want me to follow the script a lot more, like in this chapter or whether I shouldn't.  
I apologize that this chapter isn't to the best of my ability but I really wanted to get another chapter out for you guys because it's been over a month...  
**

**Yuh, sorry about that... But I hope this chapter still made you laugh.  
See you guys next time, and reviewing is appreciated, as always!**


	6. Naked Field Scene is Not Included

You know in chapter 4 the authoress said she'd give Tom Bombadil some love?

Well, tHAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GETTING BECAUSE THIS AUTHORESS KEEPS HER PROMISESSS!

Anyways, onto the story...

'It's Friday, Friday  
Gotta get down on Friday  
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend  
Friday, Friday  
Gettin' down on Friday  
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend'

Perry and Mippen I mean Merry and Pippin sang, for the 666th time, while the four of them travelled through BrandyWineBeerAleWhisky forest.

Frodo's eye twitched as he picked up the nearest stick and idek what he was going to do with it. I'm not sure I really want to know. 0.0

Thankfully, before Frodo could use his stick, (D8) some trees started eating Merry and Pippin, seemingly fed up of they're satan-music too.

"OMGGGGGGGGGGG! Halp! Someone!" Frodo and Sam screamed, really wanting to move the plot along so they could start the naked-field scene... Which isn't going to happen.

Finally, after about 13 minutes of Merry and Pippin singing 'I see Fire' at the trees, who were still trying to eat them, something happened... Errm.. Well it was this:

A man wearing a rainbow coloured loincloth jumped out from the bushes, which appeared from nowhere, "ANGST!" The man screamed.

A women wearing a rainbow dress jumped out of the same bushes and shouts, "FLUFF!"

"HOMOSEXUALS!" A man in a suit screamed.

Tumblr emerged from a TREE (#TreeEquality) and pointed at the three bush-people, "well, that's offensive."

The four hobbits had no idea what was going on, especially Pippin and Merry, who were still stuck in a tree. But! then came our favourite yellow-booted man with strangely-worded songs used his fairy magic to free them.

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!

Everyone rejoiced at the book-verseness and Lady Gaga clothing.

"That's offensive, have you ever taken into account all the people who can't sing, like people without mouths?" Tumblr asked.

Then a giant gummy bear ate Tom Bombadil and Tolkien replaced him with Tom Hiddleston, which was a massive improvement. The End.

See? I told you I'd keep my promise... Kind of.

Merry blinked rapidly, "if I were to ask whether anything from Farmer Maggot's field onwards made any sense to you, would the answer to that question be they same to this question?"

All dyslexic people within a 7,000,000 mile radius died of confusion.

"THAT!" Tumblr shouted at the authoress, "is offensive to dyslexic people!"

The Hobbits (and Tumblr) continued to trek across the wilderness for idek how long.

Oh, and the naked-field scene didn't happen because.. yeh...No.

Anyway, after an unspecified amount of time, the rain was dramatically pouring and the gate of Bree was looming over the short being like when Jimmy Saville was sti-

"DON'T MAKE CHILD MOLESTER JOKES! THAT'S OFFENSIVE!" You probably know who said that.

Frodo knocked on the gate, and a man who largely resembled an angry old women took about 4 years to notice them.

"Tf you want?" The man of gate-ness asked.

"We want to go to Jurassic Park!" Frodo announced, everyone cheered.

"?"

"We want to go into Bree, idiot."

"Awwwwwwwwdfghfyrygfg! I always wanted to see monkeys." Pippin whined, as they stepped over gate-man's body. (He'd passed out when he noticed Sam's gingerness)

Bree was basically where every single Urban-English person lived. There was brapping here, there and everywhere.

The authoress remembered her holiday to London, she shivered in disgust.

"Hey, you remind me of someone..." Tumblr said to a man eating a carrot. A load of gifs of Martin Freeman appeared.

While Tumblr confused the Peter Jackson man, the hobbits found The Prancing Pony Inn.

I'm not going to describe, it's a Sunday, okay? Just use your imagination.

Anyway, the four hobbits and Tumblr went up to the counter, Barliman Butterbur was cartwheeling, yes cartwheelinig behind it.

"IF I CAN'T SPEAK MY MIND THIS AIN'T AMERICA ANYMORE!" He said before the camel went to space... I'm not on drugs I promise.

"Errm... Excuse me?" Frodo asked.

"WHO DARES INTERRUPT ME WHEN I TALK TO MYSELF?" Butterbur screamed.

"What if you weren't talking to yourself, you were talking to a being that not only exists in your mind, but your sole?" Asked the philosorapter.

"TUMBLR! STOP THROWING MEME'S EVERYWHERE!" Sam shouted, Tumblr looked shocked, but extremely guilty.

"Sorry, we're looking for Gandalf the grey?" Frodo asked.

Butterbur was rubbing butter on his naked body, which is also something Jimmy Saville may have done.

"Never heard of him."

"Grey... Wizard... Badass... Iconic?" Frodo hinted.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH! Not seem him for 7675673483248 months."

-An unspecified amount of time later-

Sam had been thrown out sometime ago, for being ginger.

Merry and Pippin were drinking ale from barrels.

And Frodo was being watched by this odd hooded dude with a camera.

Oh yeah, and he was carrying..

An anti-climatic, unecessary cliff hanger.

* * *

**Reviews are love, reviews are life. :P  
**

**I'm so sorry I haven't really been updating, a lot has been going in my life atm, I hope you guys understand. :)  
See you next time :P**


	7. The Fangirls of Mordor

**LE NEW CHAPTERRRRRRRR!To anyone who watches YouTube and is a Danisnotonfire fan, see if you can spot the old af referance to one of his videos :P... AAAND all off the other Youtuber referance**

* * *

Saruman was talking to Sauron using the FaceTime. "AYYYY LMAO! S-deezyyyy, how you doinnnn!" Sauron said, as Justin Bieber music began playing in the background.

"So, mah bruthah from anothah mutha, what sick stuff do you want me to do?" Saruman asked.

"Build me a cyborg George Washington!" Sauron sounded like an excited school girl, if you can picture that.

"Heh, lol no m8."

"Lol no, just get me a cheeky nandos and build me a hecka fab army, thx."

-An unspecified amount of time later-

Several fangirls came before Saruman.

No innuendo intended... D: I'm really sorry.

"So, what do you want us to do? It's only 7 minutes until I have to go and cry about how I'll never meet Andy Beirsack, so chop chop, please." Informed Fangirl no.297

Saruman dramatically pointed out of the window, towards the trees below. "Rip them all down."

"No! I just did my nails!" Fangirl no.867 screamed.

Saruman huffed and unfolded a crumpled picture of Tom Hiddleston and showed it to the fangirls.

"OMMMGGGG IT'S TOM HIDDLESTON1111!111" The fangirls then raved outside, which is approximately 4998.9 decibels of raving. Which is a lot.

-Le flashback-

There was a hooded guy with a camera looking at Frodo... and stuff... Yep

-End of le totally epic and professional flashback-

Sam had snuck back into the Inn and no one could really be asked to kick him back out. Merry and Pippin were snorting lip balm through their eyelids (apparently that's what the cool kids are into these days) while talking about pints.. Or shots, or whatever. Tumblr was still trying to get the half naked mermaids and sexism from the last chapter off the current tab he was on.

"That guys been filmin' us ever since we got in..." Sam said to Frodo, concerning the film guy, of course.

Frodo turned to Butterbur, who just so happened to be hoovering beside their table at the time. "Excuse me, who is that man over there?" Frodo asked.

"He's one of them Youtubers, dangerous folk they are, always downloading dodgy editing software onto public computers. No one knows his real name, but 'round these parts he's known as TwilightFan12billion." Barliman then hoovered off dramatically.

Frodo then suddenly became really sad, and because Sam and Frodo had se- I mean because Sam and Frodo are such good friends *AHEM* Sam knew what was wrong almost right away.

"Gandalf probably just lost a Twitter follower and is going on a quest to kill them, Mr Frodo, it'll be fine."

"Good point actually."

Tumblr was not necessary for the plot at that point in time.

There was a long and awkward silence between them... Until Sam remembered something.

"OOOOOOHHHHHH MMMMYYYYYY GOOOOOODDDD WHAT WILL HAPPENTO MY POTATO PATCH WHAT IF OLD GAFFER DOESN'T LOOK AFTER IT AND THEY ALL DIE? HOW WILL I BE ABLETO IMRPPESEDB ROSIENFDBHER NUUH-"

Frodo had zoned out at the 7th to second syllable begging with the letter a. He decided to speak to Sauron, because why listen to commands to avoid the possible destruction of the universe?

"Baggins, Baggins, Baggins BAGIGFR F HUFEWKL FHUIDN BAGINS MARBOINGCOINGCOING DHFHRWEKUH.

"Baggins?" Apparently Sauron was Scottish now. Lol nope, it was Pippin. "I know a Baggins, Frodo Baggins. He's my 5th cousins umbrella times removed on my mother's side..."

Frodo jumped from his table and rushed up to Pippin Sanic fast and tried to wrestler tackle him like Hulk Hogan or something.

Although, being a innocent blue-eyed oompa loompa reject he failed and just spilled some of Pippin's alcohol, fell over and the Ring fell on his finger,, somehow.. I mean that was a very slim chance of it happening. Probably arounnd 1 in 400-

The authoress decided to shut up.

People gasped, Tumblr was filling up the room with stupid quotes that teenagers wrote to make themselves seem sad and relatable like every other stupid teenage girl and the Hobbits were all like 'Omg what shall we do nuhhhhh'.

Oh yeh, and the Black riders, that were following the hobbits, (which the authoress kind of forgot to write about because she's a NOOB) screamed like a fangirl and turned their horses around and galloped off toward Bree.

When the ring did indeed slip on Frodo's finger, he saw a fiery vagina thing, which he guessed was supposed to be the Eye of Sauron but the WETA Workshop workers were way too innocent to notice that slip-up.

"Heyyy bro, I see you've got my bling, if you give it to me I'll make Gay Marriage legal everywhere in Middle-Earth." Sauron offered. Frodo gave him a 'WTAF' look and took off the ring, not quite sure of what to make of that little... Experience.

Thhheeenn a random hand grabbed him, because Frodo had really good luck. "You should draw less attention to yourself, Mr. Underthesea." It was TwilightFan12Billion *inception noise*

TwilightFan12Billion dragged Frodo into a...room... What? Were you expecting me to go full Nigella Lawson on the description...

Pfff, this is a crack fic, not a 5,000,000 word essay, tnaks you very much.

"What do you want?" Frodo asked, annoyed.

"Bro, why are you so grouchy? Gawd." TwilightFan12Billion replied, becoming annoyed because Frodo was annoyed.

"You just dragged me away from my friends and, dude, your hands are so grubby. I think you might have a rubbish dump in your hair."

Ara- I MEAN TWILIGHTFAN12BILLION huffed, "I thought we could do a collab together. You're lucky, us YouTube styars hardly ever give you amateurs attention."

Frodo looked at the Youtuber blankly, well kind of, he hadn't taken his hood of yet, wich obscured his face.

TwilightFan decided to change the subject, "that is no mere trinket you carry." He began walking around the room and extinguishing all the candles with his fingers. He probably had 64th degree burns after he put them all out.

"I... Urm. I carry nothing. Talk about violation of privacy, gawd."

"Indeed. I can avoid posting videos if I wish, but to disapear entirely, that is a rare gift. I'm just too popular," TwilightFan12Billion sniffed sensitively, welling up. "Sometimes it's really hard being famous."

It was so awkawrd in the room that TwilightFan12Billion's hood melted off, revealing a grubby man who looked as if he spent way too much time procrastinating.

"Are you frightened?" TwilightFan asked suddenly.

"Yes, a creepy guy who thinks he's famous dragged me up into a room and began crying at me. I'm terrified."

"I meant other than that."

"Well, kind of. One Direction are wearing black and wish to kill me, but then again I could just get a load of fangirls to chase after them and that would be over. And doesn't Harry Styles have three nipples or something-" TwilightFan12Billion pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Well, guess what? You're not nearly frightened enough!" The Youtuber said through gritted teeth.

Sam, Pippin and Merry conveniently burst through the doors. I mean, woaj so convenient. "Let him go! Or I'll tickle you until cry!" Sam screamed, *insert something to do with SamxFrodo here*

Aragorn turned towards him and laughed, "you have a stout heart, young hobbit, but I'm not ticklish."

Everyone else in the room at the time all went, "OOOOHHHHH!" And Sam knocked them all out because ginger rage.

* * *

Meanwhile, Gandalf woke up in the poring rain. Somehow, he was ontop of Orthanc, but we're not going to question Saruman, because he's a freakin' wizard!

Gandalf looked down, then looked straight back up again. "Nooopppppeeee, that is wayyy too high." He then just sat back down again, as 'Lonely' began playing in the background.

* * *

**D: I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING PLEASE FORGIVE ME!  
**


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